Janelle E. Wells, Ph.D., and Doreen MacAulay, Ph.D.
Our (In)visible Work
With the holidays here and the year coming to a close, many people are preparing to spend time with loved ones. This time of year often reminds us of all the love we have for family, friends, communities, and those we have lost. This feeling of deep affection for others is a beautiful thing, yet it can also be a significant source of invisible work.
Thinking of the holidays alone, making travel plans, choosing the perfect gift, preparing meals, honoring loss, or decorating to create the perfect atmosphere for visitors requires a lot of time and effort. These moments can make the work more visible, but they are not the only times it shows up. Behind all this joy and love is a lot of work. That is why being open about what is required and asking for help can be important. You can still have things the way you want them; you do not, however, have to do them all on your own.
If you are the person who usually “just takes care of things” for everyone else, consider why you are doing it. Are you making it seem like no big deal because that is the way it has always been done in your family? If so, consider taking time to plan out the holiday season and the work that comes with it. You might even think of it as a shared family project where everyone gets involved in some way.
This is easier said than done, as some people will feel guilty because they are not able to do everything themselves. Perhaps fueled by family traditions or social media scrolling, this feeling of guilt, according to the International Journal of Ethics, is linked to the desire to act in a way that benefits others (also known as prosocial behaviors). Is it possible to benefit others during this season without putting so much stress on ourselves?
When Love and Loss Create Unspoken Expectations
Considering this question can be more difficult when we think about our loved ones. These are people who depend on us and whose opinions we value. Wanting to be seen favorably in their eyes can sometimes sit at the root of the problem, allowing unrealistic expectations to creep in. This dynamic is not limited to the holiday season but can show up throughout all seasons of life.
In addition to helping others, other forms of invisible work come with loving people. The invisible work of worry, frustration, and even grief, to name a few, comes into play when we choose to care deeply about another person. For each of these experiences, communication, even when difficult, may be one way to reduce the burden. The worry and frustration over a loved one’s well-being, behavior, or their choices can sometimes be eased by voicing concerns and realistically considering how much control you have in the situation. For example, your role with a 10-year-old child may look different from your role with a 23-year-old child or a close friend. With the 10-year-old, the invisible work is often directive and preventative as you enforce a bedtime routine to ensure they have the emotional bandwidth for the family holiday gathering. Conversely, loving the adult child often requires the strenuous internal labor of restraint by suppressing the urge to “fix” their chaotic travel plans or critique their career choices, and acknowledging that in this season of their life, your most profound contribution is not control but acceptance.
